"You can't arrest me. I'm a basketball player."

-Gilbert Arenas

I found out after watching "Bravo's 100 Funniest Movies of All Time" that Rushmore is 34th, The Big Labowski is 33rd, Annie Hall is 28th funniest movies of all time. Clerks is 30th, Legally Blonde is 29th, and Wayne's World is 26th. I guess it doesn't do any good to get angrey but still, why can't it just be close to a real list? I would just feel better if the show was entitled "100 Funny Movies Presented in a Random Order."

I think I've finally hit bottom. After watching the Colorado Rapids play the Real Salt Lake Football Club to a 2-2 tie I then watched the Detroit Shock over come a fourth quarter deficit to beat the Connecticut Sun in overtime. I'm not sure if I enjoyed watching these things because they filled a void or because I just like sports that much.

I hope at the end of ABC's "Lost" the writers decide to go with the it was all just a dream ending. The main character would wake up and miss his connecting flight then say something like "What a crazy adventure!."

This is a short story I wrote for one of my classes this past smester. I'm not proud of it, I'm not ashamed of it either. Hopefully it's average.


"A Father Figure Fails in the Forest"

He was rolling around in his bed as if the battle to go back to sleep could be won. Then, with a final death blow to his desires for the unconscious, his alarm went off and he sat up with a bolt.
“Come on, you’ve got a lot of shit to do and you can’t waste time just sitting here.”
With that he got up and started to get ready for his daily run. That day being Tuesday meant that he would be doing hill work in preparation for Heartbreak Hill in April. He had qualified for the Boston Marathon last year and during the preparation for the event he had become consumed with trying to condense his time. He even went out and bought an expensive Nike watch to help him keep track of his progress. Now armed with his watch and headphones he left for a park that held the hills he sought. After arriving and stretching he began her journey to squeeze his time.
About half way through he commented to himself “God I’m so sick, I feel really good as if I just started my route.” As he said this he checked his watch so he could see how fast he was going. When it read five minutes flat, he was brought to a screeching halt. “Goddamn piece of foreign made shit! I paid like eighty-five dollars for that now it’s broken? Fuck!” And with that, the short good life of his red Nike watch ended by being tossed into the bushes near where he stood. After a moment of silence he heard something coming from the bushes, someone groaning in pain.
“Hey are you alright—what the hell?” He saw a young woman wearing running cloths not unlike his own in pain. She was pretty cute although it was obvious that she wasn’t as serious as he was about running due to the lack of any kind of watch and her Fila shoes. “Are you ok?” After asking the question the pool of blood collecting under her became apparent forcing him to slouch his shoulders a bit. Hoping she was still conscious he asked “Is there anything I can do?”
Her haze was disturbed as she recognized that someone else was present. “What? Yeah I think I might die, I’m not sure how long I’ve been here. I can’t really feel my legs.”
“Holy shit, we have to get you to a hospital or something.”
“Would we even make it? How close is the nearest one, this place is pretty far out from pretty much anywhere? Maybe it’s just my time to go.”
Silence over took both of them for a few moments. Until she broke it when she said “There is something you could do though.”
“What? Anything.”
“You could love me so I could will all of my stuff to you. I don’t have a lot but it’s enough for one person and I hate the thought of it all going to waste. Could you do that for me?”
“What? How do you mean love you? Isn’t there anyone else you’d want me to tell, next of kin or whatever?”
“There’s nobody to tell, just you. So what do you say, do you want to try and love me?”
“I still don’t know what you mean.”
“Love! You know: doves, old people holding hands, sacrifice, pink and red, obsession, marriage. I want someone special in my life.”
“How could I possibly love you? We just met and I don’t know anything about you? I’d have to look at your CD collection and find out what movies and television shows you like. We’d have to go on dates and play a bunch of stupid games until we were relaxed around each other, then we could be in love but now we don’t have enough time for that.”
“We can fall in love now and when I will all of my stuff to you then you can look at all of that. Just listen to me.”
With this he sat down and looked at her as she started in. “Well, I really like it when one of my close friends throws a party with a bunch of people and because there are so many people I have to help out and become responsible for things around the house. It makes me feel like I’m important and that I belong and that I have power, it’s a really cool feeling. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, kind of. Like at my friends birthday party I helped get drinks because no one knew where the cups were.”
“Exactly, I really don’t like parties though… I like the feeling I get when I shave my legs. It’s a brand new start, I feel refreshed. Forgiven almost, just like whatever happened while that hair was there is gone and past now. And even though it’s going to grow back in a few days it puts me into a really good mood for no reason.”
“Like baseball.” He said grinning a wide grin.
“How do you mean?”
“Well in baseball no matter what happens the pitcher has to move on to the next inning, hitter, pitch or whatever. They can’t bother thinking about what happened before if it was good or bad because the present is the only thing that matters, and while they know where they want to get they have to deal with things now. God, baseball is such a great game, it’s so slow, but the slowness of the game is what makes it great. I’ll have to take you to a game sometime.” The pool of blood that had been slightly noticeable before had become obvious, as obvious as his new friends fate. “Please let’s try to take you to a hospital!”
“No it’s fine; we’re having so much fun here. I’m just gonna close my eyes and enjoy the nice weather. If I die while I’m asleep my wallet and keys are in my pocket, you seem to love me enough to be willed my stuff.”
“But I don’t, I can’t love you only just having met you, if we tried to save you then I could love you later, but not now.”
“Well, suit yourself; if you don’t love me then just report my death at least.”
Then she closed her eyes and faded away finally losing the fight that we are all destined to lose. He tried to wake her to no avail until finally giving up. He picked out her keys and wallet intending to give them to the police when his nose became stuffy and his eyes started to well up. Then he left the park, not in his own car, to find out what kind of music she listened to.

I would like Kathy Griffin's stand up routine "Strong Black Woman" if it wasn't intended to be something to entertain me. If it were a random story I heard I would probably think it was really hilarious, but because my expectations are different for stand up comedians and random stories she comes off as really stupid. It's just weird how I can imagine thinking some of these things are funny, but instead just scowl and shake my head.

When asked if he was looking forward to visting the White House Joey Porter said: "Yeah, I got something to say to Bush, I'm going to have a swagger when I walk in there, too, I'm looking forward to it. I have something to tell him, too. I don't like the way things are running right now. I feel like he has to give me some of my money back, so I got something to tell Bush."

I don't like the Steelers much, but I love Joey Porter. Having an opinion is something that I admire, but having an opinion when your opinion matters to people is something even better. Here's to you Joey!

I'm not a manly kind of guy, ever since I can really remember I have tried to be more of the sensitive type. A side effect of this is a lack of knoweledge in anything like cooking meat, cars, or home repair. To get by I have been forced to develop caned lines that I can use to try and fool people into thinking that I know a little bit. Some of the best ones are as follows:

"It's so tender you could use it to make a sandwhich."

"When he accelerates it's so loud. He must have a glass back muffler."

"Your grass looks really good, it's cut very evenly."

Try them at home!

I remember a long time ago saying: "Stroke 9 is the new Semisonic!"

"God I wish that guy would have hit me so I could sue his stupid ass."
"Why?" NL asked, "I don't think you'd get much."
"I could get his truck probably."
"I guess. I just don't think he has many 'assets' if you know what I mean."
"I think I do you racist."
"Hey man, I'm not a racist I'm a realist

Carrying "A Fool's Errand" while reading it exposes one to the possibility of some pretty devistating and dangerous irony.

AD: "My wife better like crappy 80's action movies."

Cinco de Mayo is holiday time, holiday time in Mexico!

A while ago, CC and I were talking about the ins and outs of the choice of movie for the first movie you watch with a girl. The debate asked if it would be better to take a safe pick and watch something like "I Heart Huckabees" so as to allow some sort of margin for error or if you should strive to know immediatly where you stand by watching "Annie Hall". In the first case if your date doesn't like "I Heart Huckabees" it is forgivable and you can still, with a clean concious, date that person. Not liking "Annie Hall" however makes whoever pretty undefendable. But still the question is now or later?

After watching "Annie Hall" again and remembering how great it is I decided that I would want to know sooner rather than later. Within that movie is a wide range of emotions and truths that I would want someone I'm intrested in to unerstand. If they didn't get it those parts of it or didn't like those parts of it, why should I waste any more of my time with that person? I've always said making quick accurate decisions is a very important and useful skill, "Annie Hall" just helps me to that end.

JD: "...Yeah that part was really cool."

Me: "Thanks. Way to go. Way to add absoultely nothing to the conversation you piece of shit."

A teacher of mine said to me today "You know, Andy, your wit and natural ability can only take you so far."

The exact lesson I have been trying to learn since 8th grade.